By: Aein
As a person of mixed descent, I understand what it’s like not being able to reach both sides of my heritage. There are always those few sentences that relatives tell you when they haven’t seen you in awhile, from, “Oh, you look just like your mother!” to “Ah, you are shaping up just like your father.” From an outsider’s point of view, I may only resemble my mother because of my dark hair, slightly slanted eyes, or perhaps even my button nose. However, I feel within myself a sort of indifference as to what I look like, or to whom I resemble the most. What kind of importance does this have on who I am inside? Why must people look towards outside appearances?
I’ve attended many churches in my local area, as I live in the “Bible Belt” of the United States, and church has significant importance to most. There are numerous churches which relate to the Korean community, whether Baptist or Methodist, and I can say I have traveled to most. While I think many don’t really go for the services, as I’ve seen some of them sleeping when I peek in, others go for the update of gossip with the families, or comparing their children to another’s. Since I can’t fully comprehend the church services in Korean, I stay within the Youth centre of the church, and try to socialize. There is an immediate, yet unconscious, segregation of us all, between the ‘hapas’ and the full Koreans. It amazes, and saddens me, to a point where I would rather not attend on Sundays at all. Eventually, I did stop attending these services.
If I attend a predominately Caucasian church, I have a feeling of un-acceptance. At church, school, and other places, I am asked, “What are you?” I have always responded with the simple word, “Human.” I am human, and I am just as real as the person standing beside me, regardless of his ethnic descent. These types of questions are also vary: “Where are you from?” To which I reply that I am from Georgia, the same city in which we currently stand, I was born in the United States, and I am a U.S. Citizen. These questions, at times, frustrate me, and perhaps even more so since I sometimes take them as an insult, rather than curiosity.
The askers of these questions are usually led to dissatisfaction from my answers and, typically, they are unable to think of a question that would allow them to receive the answer they want to hear. Normally, I have to ask the question for them by saying, “You mean my ethnicity, my ethnic origin?” They would nod and then I’d respond with the answer they want, “I’m half Korean and half Caucasian.”
When I applied for my driver’s permit, I was confused on what to put in the blank labeled “Race.” And so, I put my two heritages and handed the lady my paper. She gave it back to me and instructed me to list only one answer. One answer? Am I not both? “Write down what you look like the most,” she told me. I then went into contemplation of a mental image of myself. People on average consider a person’s ethnicity by what he looks like and ‘hapas’ are usually more difficult to solve. Asians think I look more white, Caucasians think I look more Asian. What am I supposed to think of myself?
I also have these sorts of problems when dealing with my hair color. Sure it may look black when under minimum light, but outside in the sun, or places with more light, my hair can resemble a browner color. I usually put down the option “dark brown” if it’s available, and “brown” if it’s not. When I was in elementary school, a girl said my hair was “black” when my parents and I both said, and thought, it was more brown. She kept repeating her opinion and arguing with me until I eventually broke out into tears, barely refraining from screaming that my hair is brown. The teacher pulled me out of class and asked me what was wrong and thus I told her. “Your hair is brown,” she assured me, but I think she only said that because I was about to turn hysterical.
I will admit that I was more sensitive concerning the way people saw me, and my race, but not without reason. I went to a predominately white private Christian school and was taunted throughout my attendance there. Continuous questions of whether I was Chinese persisted to annoy me; other annoyances included the “ching chong” thing and not having many friends. Most of the student body ignored me, few insulted me, and even fewer befriended me. If I told them that I was half Korean, I would be asked either one of these two questions: “Was your parent from North Korea?” or “Where in China is that?” I’m not sure if the latter was a joke or not, but I wanted to question his intelligence. If I received no other questions, the conversation would then be ended and switched to something about Barbies. Now finishing my high schooling, I still receive questions similar to these, just not as frequent.
I am half Caucasian and half Asian. I am neither fully accepted by either sides of my heritage. I am in-between both cultures and identify with both. I am Halfway. 
Aein is a Halfway Staff Writer
May 3rd, 2005 at 8:07 am
My Southern cousins are from a mixed decent too, just like the heroine in your verbal biopic. In my eyes, I think of my cousins as exotic, ironic, when others are thinking the same about me, full-blooded Asian. Your experiences growing up halfway, very touching, rare bittersweet and yet truthfully raw. Outside appearances and the mixed feelings aside, you are a creation made from love, so don’t forget.
May 3rd, 2005 at 2:57 pm
It’s so strange that in this day and age, you’re still mandated by law to state your ‘race’. Wow. It is illegal in Australia, where I live.
Being half Caucasian and half Asian is great. You are in many ways a true global citizen.
May 3rd, 2005 at 4:32 pm
You don’t have to be half asian half caucasian to experience these “halfway” feelings - just be born in a country that is different from your heritage. I never learned the Filipino language, being born in a predominantly caucasian community. Filipinos who knew the language would never have anything to do with me. Caucasians would have the annoying stereotypes about me.
In spite of being a so-called “Pure Blood Filipino”, my lack of knowledge of Filipino culture and language will forever brand me as a 2nd rate “smelly fish” half breed among those of my heritage here in Canada.
May 4th, 2005 at 1:18 am
Yes, that is quite true, Yong Sa. As you browse other articles, such as “New Found Friend,” you will see that others have the same problem as you.
I am quite happy that you all can relate. It’s a bit difficult, but we learn to grow from it.
May 11th, 2005 at 6:37 am
I feel lucky to live here in Hawai were Hapas are all over the place. I am Fillpino German, Spainish, English and Scotch-Irish. I have thought a that I would mind living on the mainland if I had to for work. Iam lery of that dat that I will get the “Whaat are you queston?” and they person asking won’t be satisied with my answer.
May 15th, 2005 at 4:18 pm
Hope you do come to be enjoy your hapa status; it’s great to be part of two different worlds, as you get to chose which part to keep and which parts to throw away. I hope it helps to tell you that in many modern part of Asia, hapas are accepted into society and many of them become media darlings, beocoming rich and famous. One of Japan’s most famous actresses, Miyazawa Rie, is hapa, as well as many other famous people in Taiwan and Singapore. In Taiwan Hapas are especially well-accepted since former president Chiang Ching-Kuo married a Russian Lady, and all of his children and grand childrens are Hapas. A Chinese First Family composed of mostly Hapas; it’s quite a interesting bit of history.
May 19th, 2005 at 8:47 am
Oh, don’t get me wrong: I do enjoy being a hapa. Being apart of two cultures has helped me to broaden my interests and look at things in a different perceptive.
May 23rd, 2005 at 10:21 pm
I am half way too. Half thai, half caucasian and I have totally experienced the hair color fight MANY times. My father’s family, who is white, feel that they must argue the fact that they think my hair is black. I KNOW that my hair is brown because against my mother’s hair which is a deep deep black, my hair looks VERY brown. But noone wants to listen to me. And it drives me insane. I have never heard anyone else talk about this in the way that you have. Thanks for sharing
I know I’m not the only one with a hair color issue 
May 24th, 2005 at 4:07 pm
I think your article on “hapas” is very much like my life. I am too not accepted by either side. Family-wise yes. All my closest friends(in which are a select few) consist of two full asian girls and one full asian boy and black boy. (It’s not like i pick my closest friends to only be asian it just happened out that way) But my friends are not like any others we all get along with all kinds of races and very much proud of our own kind of hereitage. (We argue from time to time who’s races is better, but it is all in good fun) I myself am half korean and white. I look more white body wise but my nose and eyes are from my mother who is korean. But unlike you I have been accepted my my white side more than my asian side. Mostly young korean people will not accept me unless they know that I’m at least half than they will at least give me the “previllage” of them just talking to me to turn out to be fake. I just wish people would quit all this stuff about what side I “represent” and face the truth that no one is “pure-blooded” anymore. There is no such things. I know some scientist who can prove it. ; }
May 24th, 2005 at 5:19 pm
perspective.** -_-;
Linda: Glad to know I’m not the only one with the hair color problem, too! I always thought I was probably the only one that got annoyed with people saying my hair is black. It’s quite annoying, no?
Evangeline: My closest friends are African-Americans, although I have a few other friends of Asian descent, but I wouldn’t consider them close to me. I think acceptance is also based on where you are currently living, also, as many here are still in a narrow-minded way of thinking. Regardless, I still get the righteous “pure-blooded” act bestowed upon me, too–I think just because a mixed child is of two (or more) cultures, he shouldn’t have to choose, or pick sides, to “represent.” We should be proud of it all since we are, after all, as said by Li, “creations of love.”
May 25th, 2005 at 3:27 pm
what’s up, I’m half-asian and White. It’s weird. But I find myself attracted to the same thing. I don’t like 100% asian Girls. I like Mixed just like me. So if your mixed please let’s talk. I want to find the woman of my dreams and right now I feel like it will never happen.
24 -Mr.Extreme Half-asian Caucasian
November 25th, 2005 at 5:00 am
It’s all about RACISM. The U.S. government still keeps tabs of races which is RACIST.
Sure, there was the “melting pot” theory but that only refers to whites. Blacks, Asians, natives, Hispanics, and other “minorities” are excluded. Of course, if you look very “white,” whites will accept you more which is based on racism.
If you look more like Keenu Reeves and basically look “white,” you will be accepted into the inner circle of whiteness and will go towards the light.
Whites are the dominant economic and political force. White features are presumed superior, so that’s why magazines, media, art, etc. glofiy whiteness. Even people in Asia have procedures to make them appear more white - colonial mentality of the subdued populations trying to emulate the dominant group.
Until whites learn to be a true melting pot of all races, there will continue to be racism and the casting of minorities and less white-looking folks as inferior. That’s why movie heroes, models - the “visible” entities - are almost always white.
November 25th, 2006 at 12:38 pm
[…] ke…i feel this way everyday, read this article to understand how mixed race peoples feel:http://halfwaymag.com/archives/2005/05/01/hapa-stuck-halfway/Post a new comment) […]
December 29th, 2006 at 10:09 pm
High Five, Aein!
Me and my brother, too. (And a number of my cousins.)
Growing up in the Midwest BTW the 1960s-1980s was the pits. Upon visiting family in the Calif. Bay Area, I was shocked to be surrounded by people who resembled me and the Asian side of my family!
Although I still neither looked nor behaved as a “full blooded” and enculturated Asian, neither was I treated like either a zoo specimen or an exotic doll in the Bay Area. Although I was raised almost totally within my Mom’s white culture, I was still treated largely like a recent immigrant by provincial, racist ignorami (plural of ignoramus?)
The scars of that are still with me today, and I get triggered whenever I have to spend time in similarly mono-cultural, provincial areas (shudder.) Although I now am happy to call people out and get in their faces if I need to, I still can’t say that I enjoy living in areas where this type of behavior is the norm.
We are Asian-American–which is not the same as either being Asian or being “stereotypically” American (I only mention that because it took me decades to figure it out–even the various sides of my family had kind of a tug of war going, with no clue as to who I actually was.)
Our spirit flows between the shores of East and West: we are the physical manifestation of essential unity–not isolated fragments (consider the symbol of Yin and Yang.)
Peace